It was late one night as we sat in a small booth at a local McDonalds. It was a school night and our kids were up way past their usual bedtime. But, after an especially hectic day, my husband and I had decided to disregard the time, let someone else prepare dinner, and just sit for a while. After a quick meal, we sent the kids into the restaurant play area and then settled in to discuss what was at the forefront of our minds. We were, once again, facing several big life decisions that would soon require a definitive answer. As we talked through the pros and cons of each scenario, we found ourselves asking the same questions over and over: What is God’s will in all of this? Does he want us to move forward or to stay where we are? What if we step out in faith believing this is His will, and it’s the wrong decision? What if we are repeating the mistakes of the past? Those questions had been discussed endlessly in weeks past and we weren't any closer to a solution. That night was no different. We still had no clear answers.
As the hour grew later, we began to recall some of the different times we had moved out of state due to my husband’s job and the decisions, both good and bad, that led to each move. Each move required major life changes as we uprooted our growing family, said goodbye to beloved friends, and tried to replant and bloom in completely different cities.
The second time we made an out-of-state move for his job, we left behind a thriving church, a close knit community of friends, and a beautiful home we loved. I vividly remember the day the movers came to pack our home. I stood there and watched as piece by piece our life was packed into boxes, and struggled to come to terms with an overwhelming sense of loss. I knew we were leaving a community that was very special. In my heart, though, I also felt a sense of hope. I believed that we were in God’s will and He would provide other close friends, another great church, and a beautiful home just like what we were leaving behind. I fully expected to put down “roots” and to thrive in this new place.
Little did I know that day as we followed the moving truck out of that small Texas city, that the next 8 years would be some of the toughest we had ever faced. Several corporate layoffs later, resulting financial stress, and two additional major moves for other job opportunities that did not work out, all merged together into one long nightmare of disappointments and broken dreams. On top of that, in each new place, we struggled to develop friendships that went beyond the “surface level”, and to find a church home that ministered to our entire family.
During those difficult years very little seemed to go right for us in these areas. Throughout that time, we experienced a roller coaster of emotions as we struggled to make sense of why all of this was happening. I tried so hard not to doubt God, but failed miserably time and time again. It was hard to move past the job/life mistakes we seemed to keep making, when at the time, we had made those decisions based on what we believed to be His will.
That night over chicken nuggets and cold French fries, what had seemed so confusing for so long suddenly shifted into focus. We both realized that we had been missing something very key: we were allowing doubt, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and fear of missing God’s will, to paralyze us. You see, during those years as things had fallen apart time after time, we had begun to allow fear to replace faith and slowly weave itself into the pattern of our lives. The more things spiraled downward, the more this fear took root. So, instead of truly relying on God and trusting Him completely in all things, we had unknowingly begun to make these big decisions based on the worst reason of all: fear. This time was no different, we were once again allowing fear, not faith, to affect our decisions.
Thankfully, our incredible God is a God of second, third, fourth and twenty-fifth chances. Now, as I look back over those broken years, I can see that even in the times we didn’t make the right decisions or walk through the right doors, He used each mistake, each trial, to mold us and change us for the better. He brought every loose thread, every seemingly random path all back together and wove them into a diverse and beautiful tapestry that now makes up the fabric of who we are. And, He always managed to bring something good out of every bad situation.
Recently, I was reading through Jennie Allen’s study guide, “Restless”, and thought the following statements beautifully encapsulate what God was teaching us through those desert experiences:
“God’s will is like a loving dad in a swimming pool asking his little
child to jump into his arms. And whether that child jumps really far or barely
scoots on his bottom into the pool, that dad will move to catch him. Fear of messing up the will of God will
paralyze us. There is no need for that
fear. If we will just jump, his will is going to catch us. Let him be God, move ahead with what you
know, and quit overanalyzing what you don’t.
So rather than be paralyzed with fear that you might move when you
should have stayed or you might stay when you should have moved, pray and
commit your ways to the Lord. And then go do
something.” (p.105)
I don’t know what future plans God may have for our family. Today, however, I choose to not live in fear. I choose faith. I choose to trust and commit my ways to the Lord. Whether I succeed or fail; whether I lose everything I hold dear, I choose to believe in the One who knows so much more than I do. I choose to forget the mistakes of the past and be willing to step out into the unknown. I choose to jump. And in the process, believe that His will is going to catch me each and every time...no matter what.
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