There is no greater pain than watching your child continue to use drugs and are literally killing themselves in a slow and painful way. Sure it may have been fun at first, recreational some might say. There are so many things reasons for medicating. It makes me more social, I always have more fun, It helps me to relax or it is prescribed. Listen I have heard them all because they have all come out of my mouth.
I too was once an addict, a functional addict I would say because I managed to still work, take care of my kids and have a social life. Thankfully I was able to get clean and sober and eventually would discover Celebrate Recovery. While this program was beneficial in helping me to heal my hurts, habits and hang-ups I still question my guilt of not being the mother I should have been for my children. We lived in a nice house, we always had things to do, both my boys had whatever they wanted, but maybe they didn't get what they needed the most...me.
My boys were in their early teens when they too started to act out. This only intensified when their father would die in their mid teens. My oldest son was always a challenge even from his early years, I use to justified his behavior by saying he just miss his dad. Drugs were a problem. My son would be in and out of detention centers and always with the same line, "Mom this is it for me, I am going to do better I promise". Oh how we want to hear and believe these words, but soon another arrest would come and off to jail he would go. The last time I was so afraid that he would die, that I prayed to God that he would intervene and have my son arrested. He would answer that prayer. This time my son would go to jail and rehab for almost 2 years. Again I would hear, " Mom this is it, I am not going back". He would arrive home and within 2 months I could see the signs reappearing.
I couldn't understand why? He had a job, was in college, had a vehicle and was still under the supervision of the courts, but it didn't defer the behaviors. They were back and in full force! I had enough and knew that I needed to stop being an enabler of my son. I would petition the courts for a restraining order and change the locks on my home. He would break in and I followed up with filing charges against him. My thought process being get him back into legal custody before he hurts himself, someone else or even me. Eventually he would be picked up and more charges added to his resume. He would always blame me for all of his problems and I guess I accepted it. I should have stayed married or I should have been a better mother. So much guilt.
However with much prayer, I knew that I was one who needed to change in this scenario, so I moved forward with the restraining order against my own son. My son was shocked to learn that the law would prevent him from talking to me, but he wasn't talking to me, he was telling me what I needed to do to help him with money and legal issues. I never thought we would get to this place but here we are.
My son is now sitting in Gwinnett Detention center and has no contact with any of his immediate family. I am sure that he feels abandoned and betrayed by the people he had thought would never turn their backs on him. It is painful to think of him there and as a mother it hurts DEEPLY. I can only pray that God will continue to work on his heart. This is the bottom, at least we hope.
This story is one I have gained hope from:
Lessons in Love from the Prodigal Son
The parable of the prodigal son, as recorded in Luke 15, illustrates God's unconditional love for His children. A man's younger son asked his father for his share of the estate, packed his belongings, and took a trip to a distant land where he wasted all of his money on parties and prostitutes. About the time that his money was gone, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He finally came to his senses and realized that his father's hired men at least had food to eat. He decided, "I will go to my father and say, 'Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired man."
While he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming and was filled with loving pity. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. I think that the reason he saw his son coming while he was still a long distance away was that he was praying for his son's return and spent much time each day watching that lonely road on which his son would return.
Even as the son was making his confession, the father interrupted to instruct the servants to kill the fatted calf and prepare for a celebration -- his lost son had repented; he had changed his mind and had returned to become part of the family again.
God demonstrated His love for us before we were Christians, but this story makes it obvious that God continues to love his child who has strayed far from Him. He eagerly awaits his return to the Christian family and fellowship.
So as the mother of the prodigal son, I will wait. However in the mean time I will praise the Lord and continue to pray for my son, dreaming of the day my son will return.
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